life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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