she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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