Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
