Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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