i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
