hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I puked a lego.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
