im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
