can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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