I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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