hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
