I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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