Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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