i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
