I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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