didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
