i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
