Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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