my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
