explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
