I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
