I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
