I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I see more hoeing in ur future
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
