I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize