I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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