6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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