Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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