I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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