Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
