im six kinds of drunk right now
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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