In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
