I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
