I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
