I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Congratulations! We have a period
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize