The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
