She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
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