A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize