I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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