My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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