shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
