Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
50% drunk capacity currently
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
