I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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