So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
