hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
