Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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