i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
