I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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