I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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