While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize