I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
