I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
