turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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