I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Randomize
