i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize