He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
