you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
