she woke up with a sticky ear
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
