I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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