everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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