that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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