I'm eating all of the evidence.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize