My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You made out with two different species that night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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