Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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