..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
