remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
