i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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